Jealousy in the Relationship

Overview

Havelock Ellis once said that jealousy is the dragon that slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive. All too often, people allow their fears to destroy the very things they cherish. While healthy jealousy is a natural part of most relationships and has been called "the shadow of love," excessive jealousy is neither normal nor productive. It is important to know when the boundary line between genuine concern and pathological neurosis has been crossed. Those who truly wish to protect their relationships should be very careful about how they go about expressing their concerns.

Psychology of Jealousy

In simplest terms, jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat. This threat may be realistic or it may be imagined. Whatever the case, jealousy is a psychological reaction intended to preserve a relationship's integrity. For this reason, the stronger the emotional bond you experience, and the greater your fear of losing that bond, the stronger your jealous reaction is likely to be. One-third of all couples attending marriage therapy assert that jealousy contributes to their problems. This jealousy comes in two forms: "normal" jealousy and "delusional" jealousy. Whereas normal jealousy is a reaction to a genuine threat that should be resisted, delusional jealousy has no basis in reality beyond the illogical beliefs of its bearer. It persists even when probable threats are absent. 

More specifically, abnormal jealousy can be described as pathological or even psychotic depending upon severity. In some cases, delusional jealousy is a symptom of paranoia and schizophrenia. Excessive monitoring such as calling repeatedly, recording vehicle mileage, following around town or checking a mate's phone records may indicate delusions are present. Similarly, exerting excessive control such as censoring what a mate does or says (i.e. where he goes, what he watches on television or those with whom he speaks) may indicate pathological delusions. Exhibiting extreme sensitivity to unrealistic threats and wrongfully accusing a mate of infidelity are further causes for concern.

Causes of Jealousy

Jealousy stems from a number of psychological sources. Past rejection or betrayal, low self-esteem and personal insecurity are some of the most common. Jealousy should not be seen as a sign of love. Healthy attachment is founded in freedom and mutual respect, including respecting a mate's wishes to terminate the relationship. If a mate is acting in an unacceptable manner that is realistic (not imagined), and all attempts to resolve the conflict have failed, then ending the relationship may be best. 

Exerting control, manipulating, condemning and accusing are not representative of love or of a healthy relationship. Instead, these actions are pathological responses resulting from one mate's personal fear of abandonment, avoidance of humiliation, loss of self-esteem, unresolved conflicts or need to exert control. These symptoms of greater dysfunction should never be ignored or minimized. Relentless jealousy stands in opposition to love. Emma Goldman rightly said, "[Jealousy's] one desire is to punish, and to punish as severely as possible."

Effects of Jealousy

Severe jealousy takes a toll on a relationship's emotional, interpersonal and physical well-being. Romance is built upon intimacy fueled by communication. Jealousy chokes these lines of communication when unjust accusations and manipulations are present, resulting in defensiveness and division. Interpersonally, pathological jealousy distances partners whenever boundaries are crossed and personal rights are violated. 

Jealous insults damage the victimized partner's sense of self-esteem as well as her belief that the relationship is secure. If jealous accusations or attempts at control are unrealistic, extreme frustration and conflict will occur. In some instances, jealous lovers perpetrate senseless violence. Combined, these effects diminish sexual drive and other forms of physical intimacy. Thus, irrationally jealous partners often destroy the relationships they are trying to protect.

Responding to Jealousy

Those in a relationship with jealous mates should take decisive steps to protect themselves. If it appears that the perpetrator is mentally disturbed, that he refuses to seek appropriate help or that he could harm the victim, ending the relationship should be seriously considered. Most jealousy issues are not this critical. Partners who experience jealous rages or manipulations should open the lines of communication and sincerely seek to understand the reason for her mate's unrest. 

Being transparent and open about your activities and attitudes is also helpful. Victims must resist the urge to engage in petty debate about unrealistic threats to the relationship. Similarly, retaliating during arguments, taking blame for false accusations or failing to confront the perpetrator about his actions or attitudes will only exacerbate the problem.

Preventing Jealousy

Seeking an understanding of why jealous feelings emerge is one of the best ways to prevent jealousy. It is not fears or thoughts about your spouse that harm the relationship, it is how you act upon those thoughts. Traumatic childhood experiences, personal insecurities and past betrayals should all be considered as possible causes of jealous emotions. Realizing why a mate feels the way he does will help him to recognize the situations in which he feels vulnerable and to better control the things that trigger his negative responses. 

Another important tool is testing beliefs and feelings against reality. If a perception about your mate does not fit your mate's character, the situation or the facts involved, then there's a good chance the perception isn't based in reality. Instead of harming the relationship by acting on an imagined threat, spouses who struggle with jealousy must find appropriate ways to voice their concern. Sometimes just talking with their mate about these feelings will solve the problem.